This is my Jesus Journey
Chapter 1
I was born an only child to two Type A parents. I was singing "Jesus Loves Me" at 2 and the first verse I learned was, “I was glad when they said unto me, let us go into the house of the Lord.” (Psalm 122:1)
Chapter 2
At 14, I asked Jesus into my heart. I was an honor student and good girl but I lost my virginity to my Christian boyfriend and became pregnant at 16.
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My parents and boyfriend thought the best solution was abortion It was 1970. I knew nothing about abortion except it was illegal and women often died having them. It was legal in New York though and that is where my mother and I went. The night before the procedure I prayed to God - that if He couldn’t make something good of my life after this, to please just let me die. I didn’t die - the problem was gone but I would never be the same. Abortion would define me. I graduated high school but dropped out of college after one semester. That was the same month The Supreme Court ruled in the Roe V Wade case. My secret was now legal everywhere.
Chapter 3
In 1974 at age 20, I got a job at Cornell College where I would stay 44 years. I also met my husband Steve and we married a year later. The marriage would last 30 years, most of them great. We had three sons and during this chapter, God brought many women into my life. Christian moms who were dear friends and role models. These women were Pro-Life and I was careful not to reveal my secret. Satan would whisper, “What would they think of you, if they knew?” I could neither imagine, nor take the risk. And by then, I too was Pro-Life though for a different reason than my friends.
Over the first 15 years of our marriage, Steve had an affair, gambling problems, and went to treatment for Alcoholism. In 1991, at an AA retreat, he accepted Jesus as his Savior. Later that year, God led our family to a new church and though I had always known Bible stories, I was now memorizing scripture. In 1992, Steve and I were baptized. I knew God had forgiven me for the abortion long before but when I went into the waters of baptism. Still stained like scarlet - I came up and out, shame-free and as white as big fluffy snowflakes on Christmas Eve. I had forgiven myself.
Four years later, Steve’s company abruptly closed its doors. He had never completed his undergrad and we decided he should go back to school. Two years of poverty and many miracles ensued, which I describe as a time I never wanted for anything. I was simply in awe that our needs were met, “All I have needed Thy Hand hath provided. Great is God’s Faithfulness!”
That summer, Steve was arrested in a prostitution sting. Because he was a deacon at our church (and therefore in leadership) an entire Sunday church service dealt with his moral fall. God gave our congregation a crash course in Church Discipline 101. It was painfully public and personally devastating, but when the pastor asked which of our sins we would want brought before the church, there was not one stone cast. And God healed our marriage yet another time.
Steve graduated from Cornell in 1998 and was again working. Just like the prophet Joel wrote in his second chapter: God restored what we had lost. But… the devil made sure Steve never felt completely restored and he eventually wanted to find another church.
I remained, happily serving while Steve visited churches. I told him if he found a solid one, I’d be like Ruth… “Wither thou goest, I will go.” The church he found was of course Antioch. For nine months I attended both churches. I fell in love with Antioch and was grateful God had given me a submissive spirit. We plugged in and the church was thriving. We watched it expand from two Sunday services, to another on Saturday night and eventually a third on Sunday. The elders and building committee were busy researching expansion or relocation. It was an exciting time.
In 2002, the Holy Spirit led me to take the post-abortion class at Aid to Women (now Bridgehaven). I had grieved my choice but had never really grieved my child. What I didn't know was that God was preparing me for what He had prepared for me. Seven months later, through a series of God-moments, I got my marching orders which involved giving a testimony at the weekend services. This of course required me to first tell my kids and closest friends about my abortion. All were shocked but no one stopped loving me. Likewise, after the testimony weekend, my church family still loved me too. More importantly, many women took me up on my offer to listen to their own stories. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble, with the comfort we’ve received. Best of all, after 32 years, the abortion was now in the light and no longer something Satan could use against me.
Finally, in 2004 - 15 years sober, Steve became addicted to crack cocaine, nearly bankrupting us. I was no longer submissive. We divorced. God was still with me. He held me in the dark and kept my head up in the light… because He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. (Psalm 24:18)
Chapter 4
In 2006 I married Dan, a fairly young Christian I knew from small group and Worship Team. Antioch had relocated to Hiway 13 and my post abortion identity was unknown to most of our ever growing congregation. So in 2008, when I was invited to be the Speaker at Aid to Women’s 25th Anniversary Banquet. I was hesitant. God knew I was willing to share my story with anyONE as He led me… but did He really want me to bear it all publicly again?
Then one Sunday morning at church, a woman approached me saying meekly that she had a word for me.
“A word?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said “From God”.
Now I know the Holy Spirit truly speaks to people but He had never given me a message to give anyone else… but this was not the time to discuss spiritual gifts.
“OK… What's the word?”
Handing me a slip of paper, she said, “I wrote it down.
It read:
You’ve had your rest. You’ve been restored. It’s time to come back.
I called Aid to Women and told them I would speak and I still have that paper.
In 2018, I lost my job at Cornell due to a sophisticated financial scam. I was driving Uber when my granddaughter was born and diagnosed a few months later with a terminal genetic illness. She would likely not live beyond her first birthday. Day Cares would not take her so I got to become part of her care team. Blind and deaf, with cochlear implants, she can’t walk or talk but Gwendolyn has been fearfully and wonderfully made by her Creator and she is now 7.5 years old.
The following year, Dan was diagnosed with stage 4 appendix cancer. Our battle ended on the one year anniversary of his diagnosis. In Genesis 50:20 Joseph told his brothers: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good”: You see, had there not been a scam and the loss of my job, I would not have been available to care for Gwendolyn or for Dan. God knew exactly where He would need me to be. And I was there.
Chapter 5
Now a widow at 66, I went to Arizona for the winter three months later. While there, I reconnected via Facebook with a high school classmate. We had grief, care taking, and retirement in common and were joined in a covenant marriage that summer. Three years ago, my 39 yo son died by suicide. God had positioned Don with me for emotional support and I had the blessed assurance that Patrick was with Steve, Dan, and best of all, Jesus.
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