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Good Grief

Six weeks ago, I buried my 85 year old mother.  Since then I have observed Easter, her birthday, and this weekend - Mothers Day, all without her.  I know grief is a process and the "first" everything will be difficult.  I lost my father thirty years ago and for years, I was heavy hearted on those occasions when his presence was so sorely missed. 
     Mom lived with us for a year before going into a care center for the last seven weeks of her life.  She enjoyed living with us - and though it was hard in many ways, we enjoyed having and taking care of her.  When you think of all our parents did to raise us to adulthood - it seems so logical that we should care for them in the winter of their lives. She suffered from dementia which made things difficult sometimes.
     We had those last seven weeks to adjust to Mom not being 'here'.  We had rearranged a few things in the basement apartment where she had lived.  We had changed back from some of our habits that had been necessary for her protection. We made regular trips two or three times a week to the Care Center where she lived. 
     And then she died.  A heart attack followed by two and a half days in Hospice care at the hospital resulted in her death.  The week following provided much comfort as we planned her visitation, funeral and burial.  Everything was just as it should have been... just as she would have liked it.  Within a few hours, the family dispersed, returning to various parts of the country and our lives resumed, sans Grandma.
     My grief has been intermittent.  I'm fine for days or a week and then something triggers a wave of tears and sadness.  I'm usually caught off guard.  I know it's part of the process, I know it will get better.  I'm not sleeping the best.  One of the hardest things is the frequent feeling that I need to check on her.
     When going through some of Mom's things, I came across a basket of lipsticks.  Most were thrown away, but I carefully chose one to keep... a shade that I could comfortably wear, and I do.  Everyday for the last month, as I apply my makeup, I put on Mom's lipstick.... I get a little kiss from heaven.  I've added a few of her shirts to my closet as well, not because they are fashionable, (far from it) but because my heart is warmed when wearing something of hers.  We all deal in our own ways.
     And today is Mothers Day.  The first in my life without her.  No card to buy, no flowers or gift... no plans to make for a meal or activity to make her day special.  DH and I were shopping last night.  You can't miss all the promotions for today.  I picked up a card for a friend.  As we were checking out - I saw a display of helium balloons. Their marketing ploy for impulse buyers worked.  I chose one that was heart shaped with flowers  - it said Happy Mothers Day.  I wasn't sure what I would do with it but it made me smile to buy it. 
     On the drive home, we decided to make one more stop.  DH parked the car and got out.  Without a thought, I opened my door and out of the car flew the balloon.  I reached frantically for the ribbon tail, only to see it soar quickly into the air.  I was disappointed. I had lost my beautiful balloon before I had even had a plan for it, but almost immediately I felt what the plan had been.  I'd just sent my Mom a Mothers Day gift.  A wave of tears... a moment of grief....  a part of the process and perhaps, a new May tradition.
 
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Linda said…
I loved your post. I relate in so many ways, even to wearing one of my Mom's favorite red lipsticks. You never know how your words will affect someone, but yours will be remembered by me.
March 14, 2012 at 5:28 AM
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